My life wrong choice….. continued

So today i feel drawn to write more, my first entry in some way has made me feel a little lighter . When i started this blog i didn’t  know what i wanted from it i don’t even know why i felt so compelled to write about it but in just a few days that “wrong choice” feels not so much as a burden anymore and i now have a date to see the gynecologist (i’m not sure whether he’s ready to feel the wrath of me but we shall see 🙂 ) i’m no longer going to be a pushover and i’m no longer letting them use my body as an experiment.


I put a picture to my profile earlier me and my gorgeous family on my wedding day. One of the best days of my life. It is so true what they say about how amazing it is and it goes far too quickly so anyone out there just about to get married enjoy and cherish every minute because one minute your organizing, then walking down the aisle, then its all over in a flash i think it took me a good couple of weeks to get use to no wedding madness or appointments, and it took me a further couple of months to get use to calling my man my husband 😀 if only i had been with him all my adult life then most of my wrong horrible choices wouldn’t of happened, he saved me from so much and fixed my broken soul, me and Mr Incredible haven’t always been together….

See back when i was 16 i went off the rails a little bit i was a complete nightmare for my mum who brought me up single handed and my first wrong choice happened, wasn’t my worst wrong choice but it was wrong all the same. I met a 23 year old man and thought i had fell in love. It didn’t matter what my mum or dad said i wanted to be with him.                So 5 years down the line and 2 children later (my autistic boys) me and him split i wanted to be a family he wanted to spend his life down the pub so it couldn’t work :/ (unfortunately he still hasn’t changed but that’s no longer my issue its his new girlfriends lol)

Its a shame i didn’t stay single after that to find myself but deep inside i had an urge to be a family i didn’t want my boys growing up without a man around i watched daily as my mum struggled with 5 children on her own very silly i know but at the time i was obviously a immature 21 year old.

It was 2:30am when i bumped into “wankstain” (his name isn’t that but this suits him a lot more.) Why? oh why? did i stop to speak to my biggest and greatest wrong choice i ever made, the one to nearly ruin my whole life? The one who tried to ruin my happiness? The one who tried to ruin who i was? I must of been a very bad person in my past life for him to be brought into mine 😦  For some weird reason i agreed to be his girlfriend when i wasn’t physically or mentally attracted to him, maybe it was that he said all the right things to me, he saw me coming a mile off and I believed every little lie he said his promises he made of wanting to be a proper family and promises to love me and my boys unconditionally. Well God didn’t that change in just 6 months i found out i was pregnant with my 3rd child and life with “wankstain” completely and utterly changed 😦 I was so stupid and naive back then why didn’t i stop to think about the fact i didn’t know this man who i was having a baby with? Why didn’t I just wait until i did? I don’t regret my beautiful daughter but i so regret him. The guilt I feel for letting him into mine and most of all my boys lives is immense and something i will have to live with forever…

Its weird how these people start off so nice giving no clue of what their real selves are. I did have warnings even from my own brother he told me what “wankstain” was apparently like but I wouldn’t listen would I?

I did listen when it started happening though first the complete laziness and demands for sex at all hours of the day/night. I was 3 months pregnant and he started getting really nasty to the boys would make them scream, hit them, kick them over for no reason then call them gay when i use to question him he said it was only a joke he was messing around this type of occurrence happened a few times a week and it started to really get me down.

My pregnancy from seeing the blue line was extremely difficult first was the spotting then the SPD ( started i was in constant agony and was very tired. There was no help from “wankstain” he would only agree to come shopping if i performed oral sex on him no matter how much i pleaded with him he wouldn’t agree to do anything unless some sort of sexual gratification was giving and that’s how he slowly started the sexual abuse (not that i knew it was abuse at first. It took me a long time to realize when it started.)

So with the constant demand for sex and the way he was treating my boys i went to the doctors completely and utterly stressed i couldn’t take no more but i didn’t tell her the truth did i! The doctor took my pulse it was racing she said i was stressed and put me on a antidepressant.

The more me and him argued about the way he treated the boys the more he demanded from me I was his sexual plaything he could do with me what he pleased and i allowed him he’d grind me down so id just lay there and take it. I was 26 weeks when i started bleeding it was a Saturday night i remember the day as my mum use to have my boys on a Saturday to the Monday every week because of the pain i was in, “wankstain” said its probably nothing and that night forced me to have sex even with the risk of injuring our child he still did it. I got in the bath and just cried hoping my baby would be OK and still in my mind what i thought he was doing was in some way allowed as he would say its because i’m his girlfriend and so sexy he cant help it .

My daughter was born at 26 weeks 4 days weighing 1lb11 i was the most scariest time of my life constant worry until i got her home that something bad would happen to her but she was so amazing and strong and i got her home 4 weeks before her due date weighing around 4lb 🙂

Around 6/7 months after the birth of my daughter I had walked in on “wankstains” son who was on top of my youngest son at the time. My sons nappy had been taken off. I quickly said “what’s going on” his son jumped off and said “nothing ” my son was 2 and a half his son was nearly 4. My eldest son who has autism was sitting on the bed, I asked him what was going on if he knew what the boy was doing and his reply was “mummy he was scratching and kissing ……….’s willy”

I instantly removed my son from the room put his nappy on and called wankstain, he tried to play it down I couldn’t believe it I was in shock I left the house and went to my mums and later told him I didn’t want his son at my house yes he himself was a baby but he shared a room with my boys. I phoned social services and nspcc for help. Nspcc advised no contact for 6 months and hopefully it was a one off. Thinking back to the weeks before hand each weekend my sons penis had been really sore and I even asked what had happened and he said the boy did it but I thought he must be wrong he’s only 2 years old little kids don’t do this. After 6 months let’s say it wasn’t a one off he then did the same to my eldest one year older then the boy but my autistic son was so much mentally younger.

I woke to hear the kids all up at 5am. I went down stairs with the kids and put a film on walked back up to get out of my pj’s and as I was getting dressed I heard my eldest and the boy walking up the stairs as they got to the top stair I heard the boy say “let’s go and have sex” after that incident my eldest had said that the boy when they were playing had pushed him on the floor had hit him then pulled down his trousers and had Touched his penis.

No one seemed to care about this and never received any help for what happened to my boys either.

“Wankstains” demands and abuse didn’t stop it got worse he once told me he did this stuff to me because he could no one else allowed him but me. He would watch rape porn and was addicted to it and would reenact the vile films he had seen. One time i got back from my brother’s party very very drunk the next day woke up to be told he had sex with me whilst i was asleep and had took pictures and videos i was so so sickened and so scared i couldn’t believe i didn’t feel or remember a thing.

I needed to get out of this i needed to get away from him he installed in me that if i was to leave him he would get full custody of my daughter as i was mad, i was so scared we would argue most days then he would rape me because he couldn’t win the arguments he was in the wrong not me and he couldn’t stop my mouth and that was the only way he felt he could.

Finally after nearly 2 horrible and disgusting years i managed to get rid of the vile monster. Its funny i never thought to tell the police the whole time i was with him “oh look another wrong choice” but that changed after i found out he had been messaging my 14 yr old sister. It was about 4 weeks after we split when i had a night in with my mum and sister and all of a sudden my sister started crying she said that “wankstain” had been inappropriately messaging her, i read through message after message one where he asked her to “come suck this”, she replied with no you freak and then he would message back turned down by another one of the family  apparently that message was sent when i was sitting with them both it broke my heart that she couldn’t tell me she didn’t want to hurt me 😦  all the messages were inappropriate.                                                

The next day i phoned the police i wasn’t letting him get away with this anymore!

4 years on and hes still trying to wreck my life he got away with everything not enough evidence apparently and he got a warning for messaging an under age girl, now he has contact with my daughter who he is slowly destroying. 3 years full of court, contact centers and a hell a lot of money he is now proven to be a good enough father in the eyes of the law 😦 I have got to save up to find a good lawyer who’s going to fight mine and my daughters corner, who wont stop till we’re listened to. Since she has started going to his she has turned from a confident and funny to a scared, insecure, sad little girl who will no longer dance around the living room, who no longer enjoys school. i have to endure her devastated cries when it comes to visitation, i have to comfort her every night while she has bad dreams about this man taking her away!

I cant wait for the day that karma hits him!

But for now i will keep fighting and fighting i will never back down to keep my princess safe!   

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