My life wrong choice

Ever think about life?  Think about all the wrong choices you’ve made and how you will  never make them right? As i was cleaning the kitchen this evening i found myself crying yet again about my WRONG choices. I know i should get a grip, stop feeling sorry for myself but this feeling never goes the guilt and the anger i feel constantly just grips me up inside.

Im 27 years old with 4 beautiful kids to my name, newly married to someone i absolutely adore (he can be a pain in the neck but hey i don’t suppose i’m the easiest person to live with especially at the minute) have a mini farm of pets, a lovely house and an amazing close nit family so i bet everyone’s thinking yes what have you got to moan about, whys your life so hard?  I know i say it to myself.

If i went through all my wrong choices ive made it would takes me months to write down so maybe i should choose the one hurting me the most each day and maybe me typing it down it can in some way heal me, ive heard writing letters to people that have hurt you and just chucking it in the bin can sometimes make you feel better so here goes and maybe there is some other wrong choicer out there feeling exactly the same as me and just want to know they are not the only one.

Corrr where do i start :/ i suppose i can start off back on 22nd sept last year a day where i made a humongous wrong and stupid choice i had my hysterectomy the Horrid hysterectomy with a capital H !! After years of excruciating pain, ridiculously heavy periods multiple miscarriages, 2 very preterm births (my daughter at 27 weeks, my son at 29) and long hospital stays for various serious infections including sepsis twice with both they thought my womb was the culprit but NO diagnosis and no reasons why? , just looks of disbelief, looks that made me think it was all in my head. After my 8th miscarriage which kept me in hospital for a week in agony and heavy blood loss i cried for a hysterectomy. I couldn’t do this anymore! The gynecologist looked at me yet again with a look as though i’m mad but said ” i’m sure your gp will agree when you get out of here book an appointment.”

I couldn’t really understand why i had to go home to then sort it with a gp to be then referred back to them but there you go that’s what i did i went crying to my gp who said “i cant see why they would disagree to the hysterectomy they may question you about your age but you have 4 children so you’ve had your lot ” so there that was easy about a week later had a letter it gave me a choice of my usual nhs hospital or the private so i chose the nice bmi hospital. I went in for my appointment spoke to the man for about 10 minutes who said “yes you have 4 children 2 of which have special needs you have enough on your plate, cervical cancer cells are back so we will also remove cervix, here’s a  leaflet” asked about my pain he wrote it down scanned me couldn’t see no issue told me it will be a very quick straight forward procedure.

The big day came all i could think about was no more pain, i could finally enjoy my life, feel like i could be a proper mum again, feel my age not my nan’s i was taken down to theater around 10:30 am and was in the recovery room for 2:00pm a lot longer then was expected. As i was stirring i heard the nurses whispering saying no wonder she was in pain. What had they found? Wheeled back to my room to be met by my doctor who also performed the surgery who said when he opened me up he quickly saw that i had extensive endometriosis, for those that dont know what that is heres a link to a helpful site  https://www.endometriosis-uk.org                                                                                                            Huge fibroid’s inside my womb, my right overy removed as the endometriosis tissue had destroyed it and extensive scar tissue wrapped everywhere all over my bowel and other organs, it took them an hour to release my bladder from the scar tissue he then said i could stay in for 2 nights as i would be in more pain then first thought as he didn’t realize i would need so much work .

So after years of going to and fro to the hospital over 50 scans in the last 5 years no one could see or realize or believe what was going on i forgot to mention they opened me back in the may to remove some scar tissue causing pain they didn’t see any of this then? I also asked whether this was what i had i read about it for years and i always got a NO definitely not we cant see nothing scans come back fine ARGHHH!

Now 6 months on my pain is back im bleeding again im bloated and yet to see the bloody so called gyne doctor, who never mentioned to me any other surgery i could have beforehand to check why i had pain. Who never counselled me to see whether this drastic option is definitely one im thinking of with sound mind, i hate my post op body its completely changed and what was the point when im feeling the same as before just now less of a woman and a definite NO more kids 😦